Loneliness and Cowardice
by Rei Ronin
Summary: Loneliness and cowardice are too often an influence on our actions and motives. So often do we wear masks that rob us of our true selves. So it is with the Children. A little reinterpretive look into the minds of the EVA cast.
1. Shinji

Loneliness and Cowardice

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A/N: A Neon Genesis Evangelion fanfic set during Episode 5: Rei I. The characterizations will be more manga swung, and for the sake of a little more realism on the character's looks, the series started two years late. (All students are 16) Shinji also has another coping mechanism that will be revealed if I turn this into a series.

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_I've lived in this surreal world of technology and monsters for a month now. Somehow…I've become accustomed to life like this. Perhaps it's these hours in school that save me. I only know that at school, I can almost feel normal. Here, I have friends, ones who seem to treat my status as a pilot as an after-school job, though one thinks it's the coolest thing ever. I know full well that it isn't._

_Neither my home life or job is at all normal, or ideal in any way. School, this institution that is hated by so many kids, may not be ideal, but it is normal. And I have to cherish it for that. Any stability, however slight, is something I can base myself on. You can't build a house of cards like me on a shaking table. You need a stable surface. It's funny, really…only someone like me would consider the volatile world of high school stable._

Shinji frowned slightly as the gym teacher listed the activities available for the males in the class. Not so much because he was bad at the lot, though he was, but because the guys were left to their own devices only so that the girls could get their swimming accreditation. That meant that the males would soon have to do the same, and Shinji couldn't swim. As the girls filed towards the pool, Shinji turned to face his two friends.

"What's with tha sour look, Ikari?" asked an ebullient Touji. "This is a great day for the male sex!"

Shinji just stared in abject confusion.

Seeing that his pilot buddy wasn't quite getting it, to put it mildly, Kensuke filled in the blank in Shinji's mind. "You can see the edge of the pool from the track, Ikari. The shady edge where the girls will be hanging out." He clapped a hand on Shinji's shoulder and smiled. "You can't say there isn't a bit of promise in THAT."

Shinji gave a small smile. He was a red-blooded teenaged boy. "Right…so we go running?"

Touji draped his arms over the other two's shoulders. "You got to be kidding, right? We're gonna shoot some hoops, then go running so we can take our break when the girls are done."

"More like when the class rep is done, right, Shinji?" shot back Kensuke.

"Hey! Shut your mouth!" replied Touji as he tightened his arm around Kensuke's neck and lead his two friends out the door to the basketball court.

_I know that Kensuke wanted me to do a back-and-forth razzing on Touji. Fates know that they've done such things to me before. But like it or not, I'm the new kid. I really just don't know either of them well enough to do that kind of thing. I don't even know if I've ever known anyone well enough to do something like that. Of course, maybe here I'll be able to find that for the first time. Maybe not, though. As much as Touji and Kensuke are great people, and as much as I like the idea, I'm a solitary type, and make no mistake. Add to that the fact that their lives are more normal than mine, if not truly normal…WHOA!_

Shinji caught the hard-passed basketball and dribbled a ways down the court with it before taking a shot. Predictably, it missed, but Touji was there for the rebound, and sunk the shot with no trouble at all. Kensuke and Shinji merely shrugged and smiled at Touji's victory dance. Their tall friend was the only one of their threesome taking the game seriously, but that was expected.

"Good game," offered Shinji to one of the other players, whose face, like Shinji's, glistened with sweat.

"Yeah…I'm gonna take a break." This sentiment wasn't exactly uncommon with the males of the class. The female portion of the class was starting to be rather prevalent over by the shady edge of the pool. Shinji found himself walking to the area with the best view as well.

_Why do we all do this? Are we so ruled by emotions? No…by hormones. I don't deny that the smooth female flesh that those suits display do arouse my…lust? Desire? Some word that isn't coming to my head, but certainly isn't love? I think, most of all, that it is my wish to not be lonely. To share those moments of closeness with a female form. But this does not account for the fact that I know full well that those moments would be ephemeral, pleasing only as they occurred. I really want oneness. I want, I need, love._

Shinji found himself out at the forefront of the boys, a nice distracter, placed for the girls' benefit. The EVA pilot was considered good material by a number of the girls, and his attention would only flatter them. Right behind him sat his friends, while the rest of the guys made themselves comfortable along the slanting wall that held back the hill from the track.

"Man, they've all got such incredible breasts," commented Touji, a little too loudly, and badly timed, as a gust of wind had carried his words to the pool. Some of the girls moved, but the others looked back down, evaluating the gazes that were thrown their way, the 'Shinji gambit' working perfectly. Of course, they'd be disappointed…

"So who's Mr. Pilot-Hero Ikari got his eyes on today?" asked Kensuke slyly as he and Touji followed Shinji's line of sight, which had settled on one girl in particular. "Methinks that our friend here is entranced by the ashen flesh of a certain co-worker!"

Shinji sputtered out a denial, to the evilly-grinning faces of his friends. "It's not like that!" he finished, surprisingly articulate.

It didn't deter the two teens that had him well and cornered. "Oh you can't fool us," started Touji as he and Kensuke moved in for the kill, Shinji leaning back further and further as they pressed forward.

"You were looking at Ayanami's toned calves!" took up Kensuke.

"Ayanami's shapely breasts!" came Touji

"Ayanami's ashen thighs!"

"Her…" they drew a breath and finished together, "NAUGHTY BITS!"

Shinji was more than a little disturbed by 'naughty bits' and their hard-charging advance had driven him to leaning far enough back so as to need a hand to keep from falling. "No, no!" he protested, "I was just wondering…" He looked away, up towards Rei, then back to Touji and Kensuke. "…why she doesn't seem to have any friends." He didn't know that the wind had carried his and his friends' words up to the keen ears of the girl he watched.

Touji and Kensuke sat back and opened their mouths as if they were going to say something, but just then, the gym teacher came over and started yelling at the boys to get back to activities. Shinji and his two friends started jogging around the track. Touji spoke first. "You know, you're right. She's never really had any friends, not since she started here in the…fifth grade, Suke?"

"Fifth grade," replied Kensuke between labored breaths. The other two slowed down for him. "But you know Ikari…" he stopped and rested his hands on his knees as he bent over, taking deep breaths. "…You should know her better than anyone. I mean, you work with her!"

They started running again, and it was a few more steps before Shinji spoke. "I know…" He ran on a bit more, thoughts running through his head as he slowed down. "…But we don't talk…not really."

_I wasn't wondering why she doesn't seem to have any friends. But I wasn't ogling her either. I was wondering what she's really like. Is she happy with what she is, is it a mask to hide her true self and make life easier? Is she lonely? Does she reflect on her life? Could I be friends with her? Perhaps more? I don't deny that she is more than a little attractive to my eyes. But more than that, I want to know if she is like me. I want to know if perhaps I am not so strange as to be the only one of my type in the world. What thoughts lie beyond your crimson eyes, Rei Ayanami?_

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A/N: This is just a bit of a reinterpretation of the character's inner thoughts up to this point in the series. As I see it, their actions could have been caused by a number of different personalities other than the ones we see. Assuming I take this beyond the status of one-shot, which it could easily stay, events would certainly start to diverge from the original plot, but not so far as one might think, and certainly not too fast. Each chapter would chronicle events both familiar and unfamiliar, but would be punctuated at points, especially scene changes, with a certain character's thoughts. Please tell me what you think! 


	2. Rei

Loneliness and Cowardice

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A/N: After seeing a couple of prompt reviews from a couple of old reviewers and an opinion of a member of the 402 forums, I've decided to go ahead with this rather than leaving it as a one-shot.

Once again, I'm going to list a couple of facts about the story: In this universe, the coming of the 3rd Angel was in 2017. This means that all ages are advanced by two years, placing our EVA pilots at 16 years of age. This has resulted in some changes, mostly minor, to the personalities we know so well. But the major change is that our personalities that we are so used to are not the true selves of the characters. It's time for a rediscovery.

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_Ikari wonders why I don't have any friends. Why should I? Were I speaking to someone and they asked why I don't have friends, I would give them an answer consistent with the image that people have so long cultivated of me, the image I willingly took up to make life easier. I would tell them that it is unnecessary and a waste of energy. It is the answer the Commander would expect._

_But there are many things about me that the Commander would not expect. There are many things about me that none suspect, and it is well that they do not. After all, I have no wish to relive my first memory. I do not wish to die again. So I keep them from suspecting. Like a coward, I do not fight, I merely hide in the shadows of my own mind, running from the inevitable conflict._

Rei suppressed her thoughts, knowing full well that Section 2 monitored the school, and that any hint of her introspection showing in her expression could undo her. Her crimson eyes impassive, her gaze slid across the locker room, filled with the changing girls of her class. Not for the first time, it occurred to her that, if her classmates knew that hidden cameras watched them while parabolic mikes listened to their every murmur, there would be an uproar. But it was a moot point. Body modesty was not important to her, and she was the only one who knew.

Her chlorine-faded swimsuit dropped to the floor of the locker room, exposing the skin still damp with the moisture that had been trapped beneath her suit to the air. Predictably, she felt a sudden chill which she smothered in a threadbare towel. A skilled swimmer, she had already finished her qualifications early on, and was therefore able to quickly dry, dress in the school uniform, and leave the locker room before most of the rest of the girls had finished toweling off.

Thus, she was able to walk to a secluded place where she liked to eat lunch without any worries of someone following her for any reason, not that they would have found even the most basic conversation…excluding Ikari, and only then if he had a question related to NERV.

Opening her meager lunch, she started to eat, replenishing her body's supply of chemical energy, soon to be stored as adenosine triphosphate, the molecule that all humans ran on. It was as expected of her. If she did not keep herself nourished, she would not be an effective tool.

_And if I did not keep myself nourished, I would die. It seems to only get easier and easier to think on these two levels. I still wonder how it is that my two levels of thinking have not showed up in the psychological profiles that NERV has on all of its members. It would seem quite impossible for a human, or even a hybrid such as myself to hide so much from those who are trained and paid to ferret out such information._

_Perhaps it is the fact that I am a hybrid that lets me think in these two levels. Perhaps it is the fact that I have lived a life before this one. Or it could be these two layers of thought that let me synchronize with the Evangelion. If the latter is true…so too does Ikari have these thoughts._

Rei looked up from her finished lunch and let her gaze sweep across the landscape, catching a glimpse of a pair of steel blue orbs averting themselves from her. She gave no sign that she noticed, simply closing her small lunch box and standing before starting to walk back towards the classroom. The bell would ring soon, and she was not one to be late.

As she walked she could feel the eyes upon her, the cameras that followed her every move. It wasn't the sort of thing that was admitted, but everyone watched the strange girl, the solitary albino with the azure hair and crimson eyes. Curiosity was always focused towards the strange and alone member of society. Rei Ayanami certainly qualified as that.

_But perhaps not so alone. Ikari, do you think as I do, hiding under a mask so real that no one questions it? And if so, why? What reason could you have for sacrificing your identity? One would think that you want your fathers approval, but surely another mask would suit you better for that. So what are you hiding from? Does the Commander have a purpose for you that I am unaware of? Ikari…I wish to know much…would you tell me?

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A/N: Well, a second chapter, obviously from Rei's POV. Once again, I realize that the characters don't think like this. This is a question of 'what if they did?'. You might want to pay attention to Rei's speculations in particular. She will raise a good deal of points. Anyway, if you want to actually discuss any of it with me in a method removed from reviews, feel free to mosey on over to the Apartment 402 forums and post. (Just…watch out for the zany.) I go by Kai there. Till next time.


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